It’s another Monday night after work. I want to collapse into the sanctuary of my home or drown at a happy hour. Instead, I chose to inflict myself to a Karan Johar movie at the Loehmann’s Plaza in Falls Church, Virginia. 

The theater hall is around half an hour from Washington, D.C., in the corner of a shopping complex. It stands conveniently next to an Indian grocery store – a good marketing ploy in case you want to kill some time before the movie and check out the latest stuff in the frozen food section. But on weekends, the long line of Bollywood aficionados can snake pretty far back into the complex. Hence, hopping into the store for a quick dekko is not advisable.  

After I bought my ticket, I stared at the acronym KANK above the box office window. Next to it was a poster of a scantily-clad Sonu Nigam showing he had exercised his muscles and vocal chords for an upcoming U.S. concert tour. Would it be better attending his concert instead of investing in this $10 ticket? Which one would make it paisa vasool? Too late to say alvida now.  

A Security Nazi checks bags for outside food items as you hand over tickets – you need to either gulp down your chai [from the store next door] or be sternly told to trash your bottled water – but we desis can get creative about sneaking in snacks. 

Since his last movie, Kal Ho Na Ha had a few redeeming moments – Brooklyn Bridge, Saif Ali Khan and songs – Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna on the surface looked like another escapist valve to the Karanesque world of designer clothes (with a lot of fake fur and a “Cuba Libre” t-shirt thrown in for effect) and MAC cosmetics. Like his past movies, there is a mandatory party song and a pottery-inspired percussion instrument which sprinkles the theme song. In this film, the Grand Central Station, the New York Public Library and the Columbia University campus also have important, and reoccurring roles through the movie.  

Into this fabulous world of parties and pimp daddies enters the Karanesque interpretation of infidelity. Preity and Shahrukh in a loveless marriage. Abhishek and Rani in a loveless marriage. Shahrukh and Rani get it on. Abhishek and Preity don’t. But no cheap hotel trysts or secret soirees in Central Park. Remember, it’s Koffee with Karan. So lots of sidewalk cafes and Starbucks on the Hudson. Oh, to be in love when you’re drinking a mocha latte.  

While we’re digesting this sad state of affairs – how can Rani resist Abhishek’s advances in bed? Why is Shahrukh so mean to his poor son? – the patrons of this cinema hall continue to pop peanut shells as babies howl in disapproval. The lack of stadium seating means you may have to crane your neck through the film if there’s a tall dude in front of you. Some take the Indian movie excursion as a literal excursion back to the Motherland. So it means you can leave trash on the floor and be rude to others. During the intermission, be prepared to stoically bear the stench of the loo while waiting in line. Basically, think of that theater your parents took you to circa 1985. It exists! In Virginia!! 

Back to the movie, which by now, has barely managed to redeem itself by the 2-minute appearances of Kajol and John Abraham in song sequences. If this was a modern take on Silsila or a desi version of Closer, it did neither. The only scene that brought cheers and shouts was a terrific dance routine by Abhishek and Amitabh [and the trailer of Dhoom 2]. The rest was all tears, tears, tears and something to do with a blue car. Didn’t someone learn anything from Yash Chopra’s Lamhe? That didn’t work, either for those who wanted a simple boy-meets-girl story in the Swiss Alps.  

But the saddest part for those following the Karanesque tradition [or the lack of it], is the complete lack of empathy you feel towards the main protagonists – Shahrukh and Rani, who are constantly whining and crying about their marriages. Even if you don’t want to hand down a moral decree on them, you can’t help but ask, “If your marriage really sucks, why can’t you just do something about it, already?” 

Since we know infidelity is real and happens everywhere – including tinsel town – there’s only one thing Karanesque fans in the heart of one of Virginia’s dirtiest theaters are left to wonder as they filter out of the movie hall: Can you actually rent an apartment in Philadelphia with Grecian pillars while making a living as a teacher? Yes, you can.

(Shilpa Banerji is a journalist at "Diverse," a higher education magazine based near Washington, D.C. Her fish curry is not so great, but she’s working on it)

{mosimage}

Also by

• Consultation Freeze - September 4th, 2006
• Need for Speed - August 28th, 2006
• Meals on wheels - August 14th, 2006
• Whither tomorrow - August 7th, 2006
• Bombay Dreams - August 7th, 2006

Share This