President Bush to aid history in judging his presidency

US president George W.Bush has decided to aid future generations in crafting their opinion of his presidency by rewriting history through his memoirs. President Bush, who previously stated that he was unconcerned about how history would regard his presidency and the war in Iraq because "we will all be dead", appears to have reversed his decision. Sources say that he now feels that the mainstream media’s bias towards maintaining an accurate record of contemporary events will doubtless lead to Americans in the future looking back upon his presidency as a failure and an embarassment.

To counter the liberal media’s reprehensible practice of "documenting reality", the president will attempt to explain his side of the story through his autobiography. The book is expected to contain numerous personalized accounts of the president’s battle with terrorism including rare photographs of him wrestling with a Jihadist unicorn on his Texas ranch. The book will also contain a detailed appendix of words President Bush invented during the course of his presidency. Although the contents of the book have been kept secret in order not to give away the surprise ending, the president’s literary agent has confirmed that it involves a massive explosion and a subsequent nuclear winter.

ABC to air chilling new drama depicting the violent death of ABC viewers

Responding to the wishes of millions of television viewers to be entertained by being scared out of their wits, the ABC network is premiering a new television series this fall that is guaranteed to raise its primetime ratings. The drama, succinctly called "You will die", features a tale about normal everyday Americans who experience sudden, violent and gruesome death while watching the ABC network.

While most television networks are trying to increase their viewership by inciting terror in their viewers through the depiction of doomsday scenarios, for example, the USA channel’s show "Category 7" about a monster hurricane striking American cities, CBS’s upcoming drama "Jericho" about nuclear holocaust in the US, and ABC’s own show "Invasion", where aliens take over the bodies of small town Americans, this new ABC venture is adopting a novel approach by eliminating external props of fear such as hurricanes and aliens, and instead taking terror directly to the viewer through a plotline that spells out death to be a direct result of watching ABC.

ABC network executives sang praises about the new drama. "This will be the most terrifying thing ever to be aired on primetime television. Think about it, all these people, just like you and me, eating, sleeping, raising families, watching ABC and then they die. It will have a greater impact since you, the viewer, are also watching ABC and will relate to those poor victims."

New Blogger ethics code preventing Indian politicians from blogging

Frustrated by the Indian government’s ban on blogs following the Mumbai bomb blasts, the community of Indian bloggers has decided to be proactive and avoid such incidents in the future by staying within the good graces of the government by voluntarily coming up with a procedure for self-policing through a code of conduct to be enforced through the IT act.

The code contains several resolutions such as "I will tell the truth", "I will write deliberately and accurately" and "I will practice self-restraint". While this idea seems to have garnered a lot of support among bloggers, denizens of the Indian political system have expressed their opposition, alleging that this is a deliberate ploy to prevent politicians from blogging.

Politicians claim that this code of ethics, which might be easily adoptable for an average blogger, would certainly be difficult to implement for someone in public office entrusted with the responsibility of holding on to that office by creating religious and sectarian divisions within the populace through lies and unrestrained rhetoric.

Most vociferous in his protest of the ethics code was Mr Haji Yaqoob Qureishi, a minister in the Mulayam Singh administration in Uttar Pradesh. Mr Qureishi, who was previously in the news for placing a bounty on the heads of Danish cartoonists, complained that the blogging community had no business forcing him to adopt a policy of self-restraint in his posts if and when he started to blog. He said that as a member of the ruling class, he deserved special immunity from these stupid rules.

Mr Qureishi was supported in his tirade by Madhya Pradesh Congress Committee Vice Chairman Akhthar Baig, who claimed that the code of ethics deliberately aimed to discriminate against people such as he, who wished to utilize blogging as a medium for inciting Indians into a murderous rage against renowned painters.

Bloggers have responded by asking politicians to explore alternative mediums of public incitement that could serve their purpose equally well, for example taking out full page ads in newspapers, purchasing air time on television or merely continuing with their current policy of making outrageous statements in public and waiting for the media to pick them up. 

President Bush to withdraw troops from the US

Responding to increased public pressure for withdrawing American troops from Iraq, President Bush has instead issued an executive order to withdraw American troops from the US first.

Speaking to reporters, the president said, "Before we attempt to fix a foreign nation, we first need to examine the situation in our own country. The US is currently highly militarized due to the presence of a significant number of American troops in the country. Before we talk about peace for Iraq, we need to discuss peace for the US. And a good way to go about it would be to carry out a phased withdrawal of troops from the US and restore stability to the region."

The president said that these troops would be sent to Iraq for their temporary accomodation until such a time as the US returns to democracy and carries out free and fair elections. Once that happens, the president said, we can begin to focus on Iraq and the withdrawal of troops from that country.

Curious Gawker leads a reclusive existence, trying to envision a world that conforms to his warped ideals of perfection. He is a staunch defender of destructive criticism. When he is not demanding more from reality, he is busy casting a pall of gloom over the countryside through his blog, The Renegade of Junk.

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