Bin Laden criticizes colleagues’ excessive obsession with footwear

Osama Bin Laden, the Al Qaida head honcho, has lambasted his terrorist colleagues for what he calls "an excessive obsession with the role of footwear in terror plots".

Bin Laden unleashed his ire on his fellow fundamentalist lunatics through a home video after the FBI arrested seven of his followers accused of trying to blow up the Sears Tower in Chicago. These would-be terrorists were apprehended after they tried to secure boots for the operation from an undercover FBI agent.

"Dear fighters of the Islamic brotherhood, please seek bombs and explosives before you go looking for boots", intoned Bin Laden’s blurry image on the Al Jazeera news channel. "Boots are not a part of God’s plan. Please lay off the boots."

Bin Laden’s frustration with footwear also stems from the fact that a previous terror plot had been similarly thwarted due to its undue reliance on shoes. Richard Reid, a British Al Qaida operative, was arrested when he attempted to ignite explosives hidden inside his shoes while on a plane. Bin Laden voiced his displeasure at the incident. "I said keep those explosives close to your soul, not close to your sole", he said in an audio tape. "Praise be to God, how stupid can you get?"

Flag burning aficionados disappointed at anti-flag burning amendment failure

The US Senate rejected a constitutional amendment that would have outlawed the burning of an American flag in public, causing flag burners to heave a collective sigh of disappointment.

The flag burning amendment, which enjoys considerable support among Americans, nevertheless fell short of the two-thirds majority required for it to pass the Senate. Fans of flag burning expressed their unhappiness.

"To us, burning the American flag is our way of voicing our dissent towards government policies", said one pyromaniac. "And what could be a better way to proclaim our opposition towards making flag-burning illegal than burning the flag in protest?"

Members of Congress agree that keeping flag burning legal would probably help in curbing instances of flag burning. However, they also said that putting the amendment up for a vote was their way of showing the voter base their willingness to take action against flag burning even if it were a wrong one.

Tiny Smart car to shorten commuting time to regular car

Daimler Chrysler is planning on introducing and selling the tiny and immensely popular European Smart Car in American markets soon. This vehicle, apart from increasing the average intelligence quotient of American cars by virtue of its name, will also shorten the daily leg-based commute Americans have been traditionally undertaking from their porch to their regular car parked in the driveway.

The market for a small car that could cover the short but physically demanding distance from home to driveway has always existed in America. However, due to Americans’ fanatical hatred of car engines consuming less than a gallon of gasoline for every mile traveled put severe restrictions on the smallness of the car that could be developed for this purpose. But lately, with gas prices spiralling out of control, Americans have opened up their minds to the idea of buying a high mileage car smaller in size than an African elephant.

These Smart cars will also help Americans feel less guilty about consuming the natural resources of the earth faster than any other nation on the planet at least during the few minutes they spend in these Smart cars shuttling between their home and the gas guzzling SUV they’ve kept running all night so as to be nice and warm in the morning.

Last teenaged Britney Spears fan calls it a day

A heavily pregnant Britney Spears posed nude for the August issue of Harper’s Bazaar magazine, thus forcing her last teenaged fan to sever musical relations with the pop diva.

Ms Spears, who inspired countless teenaged American women to endure physical abuse at the hands of their boyfriends with her debut single "hit me baby one more time" and also earned a huge fan following in the process, was praised for being a great role model for American teenagers with her abstinent lifestyle and wholesome image. However, soon afterwards, she revealed that she was not in fact a virgin and that her claim of saving herself till marriage had, in fact, been an empty promise, thereby losing a significant portion of her fan following.

For those who stuck with her through her fornicatory revelations, she had a new surprise in store. In January 2004, she married a childhood friend in Las Vegas and annuled the marriage within hours, causing consternation among her remaining teenaged fans. "Britney was like an older sister to me", said Nicole Gardner,15, of Biloxi, Mississippi, who destroyed all her Britney records through mule-trampling. "She should not have disrespected the holy institution of marriage this way".

However, the single fan who continued to stick with the rapidly descending star finally had to call it a day after she found out about her nude pregnant photoshoot. "I stayed with her even after she made that dry humping video with all those boys", said Lana McKey, 14. "But now its time I moved on. From now on, she will be called Jessica and not Britney", she said, pointing to her Barbie doll.

The Britney Spears teenaged fan club, which currently boasts 0 members, is expected to gain a new member in September 2010 after VH1 airs the program "Teen pop stars who screwed up big time".

Curious Gawker leads a reclusive existence, trying to envision a world that conforms to his warped ideals of perfection. He is a staunch defender of destructive criticism. When he is not demanding more from reality, he is busy casting a pall of gloom over the countryside through his blog, The Renegade of Junk.

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