Rohit Haftakar was not exactly on top of the world, lately. Though he was no stranger to rejection himself. He had represented Maharashtra in the Ranji trophy year after year, always knocking on the doors of the Indian team but never getting a reply. He had then taken to commentary on the advice of a friend who admired his ability to think about the game and speak lucidly. His luck hadn’t gotten any better. After a prolonged struggle to make the commentary team, he was informed one day, out of the blue, that the telecast rights were no longer with the channel, and his services would no longer be required. So he spent his days wallowing in self-pity and, if a cricket match was going on, entertaining his seven year old nephew Anay with his antics.

“Aa gaya pitch report. Har baar vohi bakwaas. Anay, idhar aa, let me show you some magic. Watch carefully. Jeremy Coheney will say exactly what I tell him to say.”

“Impossible, uncle”, the boy retorted. But his ears were perked up and his eyes shuffled rapidly between the TV screen and his ‘Cricket uncle’.

“The pitch has something in it for the seamers…”

“The pitch has something in it for the seamers…”

Anay went wide-eyed in surprise.

“Kaise uncle, batao na”

Rohit realized that the actual explanation was quite unromantic and decided to continue with the magic story.

“It’s the power of telepathy”

“Nahin” and the kid ran to his mother to get her to force the truth out of Rohit. Fortunately for Rohit, his sister was busy making lunch and couldn’t leave the kitchen unmanned. He waited for the right moment to display his talent again. It arrived just as the batsmen were walking to the crease.

“ India needs a good solid start”, he said.

“ India needs a good solid start”, went the dependable Laxman Sivaramakrishnan.

Anay was delighted and angry at the same time, angry that there was some trick behind all this and it wasn’t being revealed to him. This didn’t stop him from calling his ‘gang’- buddies from his neighbourhood who went to the same school.

“Uncle, inko dhikhao na, aapka magic”

“It doesn’t work everytime. Wait…” He spotted Sehwag getting out for a duck to Edwards. “Sehwag returns without troubling the scorers…”

And surely enough, Laxman Sivaramakrishnan did not disappoint “Sehwag returns without troubling the scorers”

He could almost feel the stares of Anay and his friends, stares of admiration or so he assumed. Perhaps this is what it would feel like to be a known face, thought Rohit. His happy-sad reverie was cut short by persistent demands

“fir se, uncle, please, please, sirf ek aur bar, last”

 Srikkanth enters the commentary box. This was going to be easy.

“Absolutely. Basically, I should say”

“Batting ek dham kharaab, main boltha hoon”

Damn! He hadn’t seen the Hindi coming

“Wrong magic, wrong magic” Anay’s friends jeered. Kids can be so finicky and cruel when they want to.

“Wait. I wasn’t concentrating properly…”

Anay was quite embarrassed and the picture of him in that state brought images of his own past failures rushing back into Rohit’s head

The match moved into the lunchtime ‘analysis’ session. This was going to be tough. How can one second guess extremely random commentators like Charu Sharma, Mohinder Amaranth and Whatshername? But he had to do it for Anay’s sake. There was no turning back.

“I can only do this in parts, ok? There are too many people for the magic to work”

Charu Sharma gearing up to speak. What can a person who knows absolutely nothing about the game speak about? Think. Think. Sports in general. Psychology. Worth a shot.

“Charu Sharma’ll talk about the West Indies coming under pressure”

“Will the West Indies be under pressure when they go out to open, in the face of such a big target?”

Gotcha!

Anay and company were suitably impressed. They didn’t display the same enthusiasm as before. He would have to pull out some more rabbits to reclaim his earlier status.

It didn’t take long for an opportunity to come by. Lara cover driving Pathan brutally and Ravi Shastri in the commentary box – there was only one possible outcome.

“This outfield is quick, that went like a tracer bullet”

“This outfield is quick, that flew like a tracer bullet”

He was right back in the game now, with impassioned pleas from all corners to reveal the ruse. One more vintage performance and he would retire.

He had hardly noticed two new admirers - Prashant and Ramesh’s dads who had come streaming in, from their squash match. The stakes of this little game had just increased.

“Rohitbhai, why don’t we bet on this rather strange ability of yours, eh? Let’s say 500 bucks”

“I’m in. 500 if you can get one more sentence in before the commentators”

“Yes, uncle’s willing to take up the challenge”, Anay volunteered.

And before he knew it, he was playing for a thousand bucks, not just to entertain some seven year old kids. He almost withdrew, but he was suddenly reminded of a time in school when he refused to go out and face a particular quick bowler in the opposition he feared.

“Ok, I’ll try”

The kids let out a shriek as if he had won the bet just by accepting it.

He couldn’t think straight from all the pressure and this seemed to be mirrored in the match situation, with West Indies needing 10 runs of the last over. Sachin walked up to bowl. Rohit prayed.

The ball hit the edge of Lara’s bat and rolled through what should have been a slip cordon. An unintended boundary. Rohit smiled. In a tone that would befit a king, he roared,

“It doesn’t matter how they come, as long as they come”

“It doesn’t matter how they come, as long as they come” was Arun Lal’s excited remark.

The scenes of celebration that followed had his sister assuming that India had won the match. She was rather confused later on when informed about India’s defeat in a nail biting finish.

As for Rohit, he had hated the incompetent commentary team with all his heart till then. But not that day. They had earned him a thousand bucks and five young fans.

(Lakshman Sethuraman is a free lancer living in Mumbai. He is a die-hard cricket fan but laments the falling standard of commentary. He heads the ‘Bring back Mandira Bedi’ initiative - a non-profit movement that gives away free headache-pills to people watching the current India-WI series.)

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