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Curious Gawker looks around at the world every week. He does not like what he sees. |
Nation’s children demand moratorium on national song, more playtime during recess
The children of India are threatening to boycott their schools in order to protest the mandatory singing of the national song, "Vande Mataram" during daily assembly. In addition, their demands include an increase in the amount of time each day devoted to running around chasing each other during recess and an official school policy aimed at disincentivizing the pulling of pigtails.
The singing of "Vande Mataram" has traditionally been a topic of controversy among the nation’s youth, especially those belonging to the Muslim community since the song bestows divinity upon the Nation State, an honor usually reserved for that other synthetic devotional prop, the Almighty God. When asked for a comment, little Rafiq, a Muslim protester from the 2nd grade said, "Vanne Mapanam is against the teachings of the Koran. And that is why I will not sing it even though I like screaming the Mapanam part. VANNEEE MAPANAMMMM", yelled the 7 year old, running behind a butterfly that had suddenly appeared in his field of vision.
When asked what the recitation of the national song every day meant to her as a citizen of free India, 8 year old Shweta, the driving force behind the no-pigtails pulling legislation replied, "It means 5 more hours of school and boys. I want to slap all boys", she added with fiercely nationalistic passion.
Along with the national song singing ban, the agitating juveniles are also demanding an increase in the time allocated daily for eating lunch and dangling off playground crossbars. Inside sources reported that student leadership was, in fact, open to unconditionally abandoning the demand for banning the national song if the demand for recess augmentation were to be met, thus leading to hopes that an amicable solution to the crisis facing the nation would be reached soon.
Knock knock jokes on the decline after Supreme Court judgement
A new ruling handed down by the US Supreme Court will allow police with search warrants to enter American residences without having to knock on the door to announce their presence. This ruling has been challenged by the nation’s comedians who say that this will lead to a decline in the humor value of "knock knock" jokes, traditionally the bread and butter of the comedic profession.
"Knock knock jokes rely on the fundamental right of a door owner to deny permission to the jovial individual knocking on it till he has delivered the requisite punchline to audience applause", says Tommy "The Tongue" Fitch, a comedian from New York. "If the door becomes vulnerable to being broken in with the knocking part being bypassed entirely, knock knock jokes fail in their objective of instigating mirth in the listener."
The embittered comedian gave an example to prove his point.
"Knock knock"
"Who’s there?"
"Police"
"Police who?"
"Police (please) let me in"
Under the new law, this hilarious joke would turn into the following dead turkey :
"Crash"
"Who’s there"
"Police. You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you at no cost."
Critics of this law fear that the combination of this law with another that was recently passed, allowing Florida residents to shoot at anyone intruding in their home, might cause domestic shoot-outs in the event of police breaking and entering homes without knocking. However, law enforcement authorities have allayed these fears by clarifying that since the police would always be the ones with the body armor, it would almost always be the owner of the home who would end up dead.
Emotions to be gradually phased away and be replaced by ailments
American pharmaceutical companies achieved yet another milestone in their ongoing campaign to convert humans from thinking, feeling beings into emotionless automatons, the life forces of which would be sustained through periodic infusions of prescription medication. The basic tenets of this campaign involve getting rid of all human emotions one by one by transforming them into undesirable ailments to be dispelled from the body orally, through the medium of pill ingestion.
The latest milestone in this campaign was the discovery of an apparently sub-human tendency to feel depressed during the dark winter months when there is a reduction in the length of the day. Doctors, who depend on pharmaceutical innovations to maintain their customer base as well as keep their families in the luxurious lifestyles they’ve been accustomed to, have named this tendency "seasonal affective disorder" or SAD, thus creating whole new implications for the same old emotion.
Emotions already scheduled for extermination from the human psyche include anger, which will henceforth be called "intermittent explosive disorder" or IED, as well as an obsessive need for continuously moving the legs, which will now be called "restless legs syndrome". In addition, hypochondria, which, in a saner world would mean you were fishing for sympathy, has been renamed as Munchausen’s syndrome, also curable by pumping a number of expensive chemicals into your body.
Critics have questioned the ethics of de-humanizing humans through medication and expressed their skepticism about all these new-fangled maladies which only serve to enslave the human body, making it dance to the tunes of its Big Pharma masters. To which doctors immediately came up with a cure for incredulity, calling it "Suspension of Belief" Syndrome or SOB, requiring those afflicted to go on a rigorous diet consisting exclusively of horse manure.
Curious Gawker leads a reclusive existence, trying to envision a world that conforms to his warped ideals of perfection. He is a staunch defender of destructive criticism. When he is not demanding more from reality, he is busy casting a pall of gloom over the countryside through his blog, The Renegade of Junk.
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