New Indian AIDS awareness campaign responsible for rise in AIDS cases

"The advertisement features Buladi, a housewife who goes around asking people to make sure that when they have sex, they wear a condom", said Ms Mukherjee. "However, due to governmental coercion, we had to remove the word "condom" from the ad, thus forcing viewers to decide on their own what to wear during sex."

Viewers of this advertisement, many of whom were truck drivers, the group highest at risk from an HIV infection, naturally assumed that the government’s preferred attire during sex would be a turban, which, successful though it may be in procuring sex, unfortunately, does little to prevent virus transfer during the act.

Government officials defended their position. "The advertisement arouses unwanted curiousity among our innocent children", said a government spokesman. "If we have our kids asking us what a condom is, soon they might start asking what it is used for, and someday, might even start using it. Imagine that!"

Oil-rich nation attempts to avoid invasion by oil-crazy nation by threatening oil crisis

Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Iran’s Supreme leader, has issued a statement, saying that if the United States does not quit threatening the country, Iran will disrupt the flow of oil to the global market. Standing atop a barrel of oil which he then proceeded to puncture, letting the oil dribble out, the Ayatollah tauntingly said, "See, this is the oil which you will never ever see if you keep talking about invasions."

The Ayatollah’s confidence in his strategy stems from the fact that the US has a long history of not invading countries that have large supplies of oil. Whenever the US has deemed the supply of crude oil to its shores to be in danger, it has always adopted a diplomatic approach to the issue rather than ordering the country’s dictator to leave within 48 hours or face an attack.

"Remember America, you have a choice of not threatening us or not having oil", continued the Ayatollah in his press conference. "And the only way you will get oil is over my dead body and those of my countrymen".

"That should scare them enough to not attack us", whispered Khameini with a wink to his aide standing next to him.

Beheading to be replaced by less painful but more accessible Fatwa methods

After numerous complaints from the fatwa enforcing community about the insurmountable obstacles involved in carrying out a fatwa that requires beheading of the fatwa recipient, the International Fatwa Administering Committee (IFAC) has relaxed its rules and decided to allow the fatwa enforcer some latitude while pursuing his goal.

Traditionally, a fatwa has always involved "bringing someone’s head on a plate". However, the advent of modern immigration regulations and security enhancements as well as technical difficulties involved in carrying around a fifty pound machette in public has made it extremely difficult to bring any fatwa to its logical conclusion, thus leading to a reduction in the terror value of a fatwa as an act of retribution.

The IFAC is now allowing methods of culmination of a fatwa that are much easier to implement, such as kicks in the groin, verbal slander or even indiscriminate spamming of the fatwa recipient on his Gmail account. The increase in the number of successfully achieved fatwas is expected to restore public respect and terror towards this holiest of traditions to its former level. 

Iraqi government releases prison inmates in an effort to repopulate country

Rising concern over the dwindling population of the country due to a huge surge in violence last month, the deadliest since the beginning of the US occupation, has led the Iraqi government to embark upon a radical program of repopulation to prevent the country from ending up as an uninhabited desert interspersed with palm trees and business associates of Dick Cheney.

The program involves releasing hundreds of inmates from Iraqi prisons and sending them into the streets armed with instructions on how to make babies. Care has been taken to ensure that Sunni and Shia prisoners are allocated different sections of the country for procreation. This will be done so that they will not resort to killing each other instead of sowing the seeds of a future citizenry.

However, with the situation in Iraq being extremely volatile with the recent slaying of Al Qaida mastermind Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, many prisoners, on being given a choice, have elected to remain confined to their prison cells instead of venturing outside where pleasures of the flesh would pale in comparison to the possibility of the same flesh being ripped apart by improvised explosive devices.

"Cash for Kills" scheme a huge success in Kashmir: Terrorist killings rise as homicides go down.

Borrowing a page from the critically acclaimed Minuteman Project in the US where armed American civilians take on the Border Patrol’s job and try to restrict immigrant Mexicans from entering the country to mow its lawns and clean its toilets, the BJP has initiated a similar scheme in Jammu and Kashmir.

The "Cash for Kills" scheme, which offers a bounty of rupees one lakh for any civilian able to kill a terrorist and rupees two lakhs for the family of any civilian killed in action while attempting to kill a terrorist, has resulted in a flurry of activity among the residents of Kashmir. In a matter of days, a number of people have come forward to claim their share of the bounty after having discovered that their boss, spouse or their spouse’s illicit lover was a terrorist, who they subsequently killed in a heroic display of courage.

Experts have not yet been able to explain a beneficial byproduct of the initiative, namely, the sharp drop in the number of non-terrorist related murders in the state, which, curiously enough, has been determined to be practically equal to the increase in the number of terrorist killings. BJP leaders have proclaimed that these numbers only serve to validate the usefulness of the scheme.

Curious Gawker leads a reclusive existence, trying to envision a world that conforms to his warped ideals of perfection. He is a staunch defender of destructive criticism. When he is not demanding more from reality, he is busy casting a pall of gloom over the countryside through his blog, The Renegade of Junk.

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