A new study that was carried out recently showed that people who are more in touch with their religious side also happen to be those who are in dire need of Divine assistance in their lives. This study, carried out on a sample of a few thousand African Americans, determined that a disproportionate number of participants who incorporated a healthy dose of religion into their day-to-day lives tended to be old, poverty-stricken, obese and reluctant to take prescribed medication, relying instead on the intervention of God rather than the incompetent hand of man in the alleviation of their maladies.

However, in a bit of good news for the religious community, the study also concluded that people who were more religious tended not to suffer from hypertension even though all signs pointed towards them being afflicted by this condition, thus proving that an absolute and unshakable belief in an imaginary Supreme Being able to solve the problems of all mankind by the mere strike of a lightning bolt from His benevolent index finger could go a long way towards living a healthy life devoid of all stress.

Global Warming impeding the slaughter of numerous non-endangered species

Americans might finally be willing to embrace the possibility that global warming is a real threat and not just a transparent ploy by hydrogen car companies and perpetual motion machine manufacturers to make a bundle by trying to wean the world off fossil fuels. A recent report states that about half of American outdoors men now believe that contrary to popular opinion, global warming is actually responsible for protecting some species of animals and fish that they would love to see dead and hanging on the walls of their hunting cabins instead.

American anglers and ice-fishing enthusiasts, the latest victims of global warming, are complaining that lakes no longer freeze over for them to indulge in their favorite pastime, thus allowing fish that should have been rightfully dangling from the end of a steel hook to live long and prosperous lives instead. Global warming is also causing acute anguish among members of the hunting community by reducing the amount of snow on the ground which makes it difficult to track deer and other fun-to-kill animal species.

Most of these outdoors men, who voted for President Bush, who is well-known for his skepticism about global warming and the non-existence of Santa Claus, now regret their decision. "As long as we believed global warming was merely destroying the habitat of polar bears, seals and penguins, thus causing them to become extinct, we didn’t really care since those animals don’t make for a good hunting experience anyways. Plus they are hard to find", said Larry Schweiger, president of the National Wildlife Federation. "But now, with the neighbourhood deer thumbing their noses at us in a display of contemptuous disdain and the striped bass in our own ponds flapping their gills in that jeering fashion, mocking our inability to kill or even maim them, things are really getting out of hand."

Hunters and anglers are now lobbying for fuel conservation, development of more fuel efficient vehicles and expanding the use of renewable resources to keep the planet from getting warmer and hence, safer for their hunting targets. Because, as Mr Larry Schweiger says, "If the effects of global warming aren’t curbed, American forests might turn into wildlife sanctuaries where animals, birds and fish are able to live their lives unmolested by humans and unpeppered by shotgun bullets."

"Law of the Jungle" passed to make streets safer

In a major victory for the National Rifle Association (NRA), the American organization of gun-owners, numerous states passed a new law which would allow anyone who believes that he or she is being threatened to fire a gun in a public place for the purpose of self-defense. This law would also allow innocent bystanders in danger of being hit by a stray bullet from the shooter to fire at the shooter in return and police officers who arrive belatedly on the scene to fire indiscriminately at everybody in general for the defense of everybody in general. This law, called the "Law of the Jungle", is also expected to help solve the twin problems of rising crime and illegal immigration, while at the same time helping to increase the penis size of gun owners.

New law protects nation’s defenders by criminalizing what they fought for

The US Congress passed a new law making it illegal to protest at the military funerals of American servicemen killed in action. This law was put in place after followers of the Rev. Fred Phelps, a radical anti-gay activist from Kansas, incurred the wrath of Americans after staging protests at military funerals, holding signs implying that God was angry at America because of the country’s tolerance towards homosexuals. This law also makes it illegal for friends or relatives of the dead serviceman to reach down into his grave and roll him back to his original position in case the murder of the First Amendment he fought and died for might have caused him to roll over in his grave.

Senate majority leader Bill Frist has requested Mr Fred Phelps and his band of homophobes to adopt an alternative method for protesting homosexuality such as running for Congress on a Republican ticket or donating money to the Republican Party campaign fund.

Giant warehouse for storing Iraqi hearts and minds being constructed in Baghdad

Construction of a giant warehouse complex to accommodate Iraqi hearts and minds won over by coalition troops after the Iraqi invasion is currently underway in Baghdad. The massive storage building, which spans about 104 acres, is being built on the banks of the Tigris river and is expected to house all the gratitude and good-will being experienced by ordinary Iraqis after the US overthrew the Saddam Hussein dictatorship and replaced it with a fundamentalist Islamic regime.

This huge building will also harbor the guardians of all that gratitude, namely American embassy personnel and anyone else of a Western persuasion wishing to administer democracy to the Iraqi people but from a safe distance, away from all the bombs and the explosions but always within an arm’s reach of a KFC happy meal.

Iraqis have welcomed the emergence of this structure. "It will give us something tangible to shoot at with our shoulder-fired rocket launchers and home-made IEDs", said Abul Razi, a Baghdad resident. "It’s much more convenient than blowing up those infidels one carload at a time."